Dear Charlie,

I'm sorry for not writing to you for the past few months, I wasn't very busy. Well I did jump from one city to another but that's because I wanted to look busy. I wanted to have something that makes me busy but I wasn't. I kept saying to everyone that I became idle for over a year when I know that I have been idle only for the past couple of months. I used to think that it's funny to joke about that when it's not. It somehow affects my unconciousness. I'm not feeling really good here Charlie no, not literally, but as feeling goes I'm not well. I've been questioning myself for the past few hours whether I'm doing the right thing right now. I have made a very little progress while everyone made big. What makes me more upset is the fact that I've come to a point where I asked myself about the decision I've made which is to is miserable. I want to look strong so everybody around me thinks that I'm fine but I can't and I made them worried which is upsetting for me. 

Sorry for writing a short and depressing letter. I hope you're doing well.

Love always,
Fida

Dear Charlie,

Today I write a letter because it’s my birthday. Yes, I’m writing to you a birthday letter. I used to write one to myself but I guess this year I’m gonna write to you instead.

You know Charlie, time loves to trick us. A year can be so fast like yesterday yet feels like so long. I was washing the dishes yesterday when I realized that I would be 22 years old today and I thought, ‘man, that’s fast’, I tried to remember things and I remembered the time when me and my friends were busy doing our bachelor-thesis and I asked myself when was it. I was surprised with the answer; it was only less than a year, yet it feels like a long time ago. Do you get it now, how time tricks our mind in believing things?

Another thing that time does to us is the way we think. I don’t think it’s the time, I think it’s the accumulation of what had happened to us in the past, but I still wanna blame time for it. I mean, when I turn 20, 2 years ago, I was anticipating of what would happen to me that day. I made myself to feel special, I did think that when I woke up, there would be a strike of light from the sky marking that I was no longer a teenager. Or when I turned 21 last year, even though the feeling disappeared a little, I still believe that my birthday was special; once in every year, 19 was a special number, and I was the spotlight. But this year I realize that, birthday is just another day. It’s an official day of the change in your age. Nothing more.

But I am really thankful with the overflowing messages and prayers from family and friends, I feel really loved. And even the ones that don’t send anything, I believe that they still care/ love me in their own ways. The happiest feeling is that I woke up with messages, wishes and prayers from people that I categorized as ‘favorite people’ just like what I believed before I slept last night. I know that these people are the ones that gonna wake me up with their messages and precise prayers and they did and that’s what matter. 

And tonight, though with less people than last year, my favorite people on earth somehow managed to surprise me. I was just so glad to see their faces. I am happy and I hope you do too.

Love always,

The birthday girl, Fida.

Dear Charlie,

Sorry for not writing to you for days. I just don't have any stories to tell. Anyway, I attached a postcard with this letter, I hope you like it. I took the picture by myself using my 2MP camera phone when I was in Jakarta. Do you know that the station in the picture above is actually the oldest train station in Jakarta? Endah told me that. I love the atmosphere of that station; where the old meet the new. They, somehow, synchronize to one another. I hope you're doing well though.

Today is exactly the seventh day of February, I don't even know why I told you that. I guess, may be it's because I actually like February. Well at least, this month is a bit special; it has the least days, only once every 4 years it has 29 days and my birthday is in this month. I guess you've figured out already why anyway. Don't you think it's a bit shallow for me if I say this month was also special because of Valentine's Day? I don't celebrate Valentine's Day and never will but I really like the atmosphere people create, you know, when you go to the mall and they have all these pink flowers hanging on or candlelit dinner ad or Valentine's Day promo. And when you turn on your TV and the channel actually prepare series of romcom movies as tribute to Valentine's Day and the love song plays as the background sound, I love that atmosphere.

Talking about birthday, I'll turn 22 on the 19th day of February. Geez, I can't believe I'm that mature now (I hate using the word 'old' cause I'm not). I'm a bit sad though, since I have no job on my 22 birthday and haven't really achieve anything great. But that's not a problem isn't it? I still can achieve the great things start from today, you reckon? I haven't really go out much or meeting new people and I guess, my ability to communicate with new people kinda lacking (no kidding!). But then again, I am still trying to participate as much as I can and drag myself to try new things.

Anyway, mum would be home any minuets and I haven't really changed since she left to work this morning. Will write again soon.

Love always,
Fida

Dear Charlie,

I went out with the guys last night. It was really fun. We went to karaoke and spent the night at icha's place as usual. When I say 'spent the night' it means that we only stay there until about 9.15 cause the rest of the guys have work the day after and I wasn't alowed to go home late. Anyway, it was really fun. I know, I wish Endah was there, or Cindy, or Ratih or Imey or Riri, I wish everyone was there like it used to be but then people continue with their lives and got really busy and some, even move to another city. I understand that, I just miss us being together, you know? We really had a good laugh last night, my stomach hurt cause I laughed so much. I think all of our stomaches hurt.

And it got me. What happens if all of us move to another city or everybody busy with their on jobs that it's really hard for us to even meet up? Am I going to laugh my head off like I did last night? I wonder about that. Isn't that pathetic if you can laugh so hard only with these people and not other people? It's like you depend on them. And I think I do. I've been looking forward to meet them yesterday. We haven't met since like.... a week? Damn, a week feels like a month. When I was with them, I didn't really care of what's happening tomorrow or worrying things that I worry about. I was, somehow, free. Have you ever felt like that?

I ramble things around. I should probably sleep.

Love always,
Fida

Dear Charlie,
Delivering a bad news is never easy. Especially for someone like me who overthink everything; what are they gonna say? how would they respond? etc. I don't really wanna tell you what happened today but let's just say I have to deliver a bad news; I failed on my application. I don't really wanna tell you much but the feeling of failure and letting people down sadden me. I mean, who doesn't? I think what makes me sad even more is the fact that I let my parents down. I know, they don't accept the term 'down', I mean, I just couldn't give what they want; what I want. Not yet. Only my parents and my other friend that knows precisely what happen and I don't plan to tell anyone about it since I'm gonna bawl my eyes out when I tell them about this.

My mum said it's God's will and it isn't what's best according to Him and that everything happens for a reason. I agreed. I just wish I can figure out the 'reason' soon or wish He leads me to what's best according to Him in near future. Either way, I am praying for broader shoulders.

I am down right now but soon be up.

Love always,
Fida

Dear Charlie,
I decided to write to you. I know I'm not the only one who writes to you, I know there are at least hundred people write to you every day and I know you don't have time to read all the letters and that's okay. I understand though. Since the novel and movie about you are a major hit, I guess many people try to reach you. I guess they just need to know that someone out there listens and understand and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. They need to know that these people exist. Sound familiar?

I am currently listening to this mix tape/ album that this person gives via his website for free. I don't even know him but I guess he has a good taste in music; I like all the songs so far and the artists are not very familiar to my ears. Nevertheless, I love this mixtape. This probably the highlight of my day so far; downloading good musics.

My sister has tried to drag me out of the house for the whole day but I just don't feel like going out these days. I also promised my friend to take her out since she'll be in town until this Friday but I haven't spoken to her since her brother's wedding. I guess, I'm gonna break my promise to her. I'm such a bad friend. Have you ever felt like this? All I want to do is sleep in my room and watch Korean reality shows but my mind tell me different thing. It tells me to focus on my future which, somehow, very blurry.

My brother called me, he needs my help for his assignment. I guess I have to go now. I'll write again soon.

Love always,
Fida

Morning advice

Sometimes we get carried away by the flying time. We don't realize that we are forgetting our plans. Somehow it just vanishes and replaced by the new ones. What I learned today is that, it is a must to confirm what the plans were and where are your position in getting that. Sometimes, we need to sit and remember.